I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
