So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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