My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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