I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
