Need sex. Gaining weight.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
