what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
