I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
