tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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