this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
