i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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