He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Randomize
