On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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