I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
