sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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