My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
