Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
