everyone is single if you try hard enough
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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