I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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