I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
we're so committed to being not committed
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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