My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
