I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
