when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
