So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I stole a fireplace last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize