6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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