Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
