he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
