First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize