No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
