Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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