I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
