I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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