i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Two words: blizzard sex
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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