life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
