I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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