I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
