So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
