I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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