I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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