evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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