Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
