I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize