i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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