is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
