I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think my moral compass just broke
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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