can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
