Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
