I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I am spending my child support on dildos
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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