i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
