my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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