Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
