We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
