This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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