I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think i have two assholes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
