Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
