he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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