3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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