I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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