you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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