Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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