he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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