the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
