when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
wow bdsm is so cute
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
