My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
