i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You ruined the universe
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
