i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sober January is a disaster.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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